God's Love

Why is a man that operates in God's Love on my list of what I prefer in a man? Because God's love is not controlling or manipulative. It's freeing and allows a person to be true to themselves. And for the greater good of the relationship, both parties need the freedom to choose the other person each day. Each day we wake up, we make a decision to follow Christ or not. The same holds true of a relationship. Whether or not the other person performs the way we want them too, you have to be committed to stay and engage life with the one you chose. 

Too often, it has become much easier to give up on a relationship and leave. In other words, it's easier to tell the other person that they are no longer "right" for you or not really the "kind of person" you were looking for. A man that operates in God's love will look past his feelings to his commitment level to determine his course of action for that day. He knows that he can't make the other person stay if they aren't also committed to the relationship. Knowing this fact, there's no reason to try and control or manipulate any situations that may arise. He's willing to communicate with the other person to find common ground for sustaining the relationship.

I look at my own life and my relationship with Christ when I embark on a new relationship. There have been plenty of times when I didn't want to choose His way for my own. But with each new day, He still chose me and allowed me the freedom to make the choice to either leave Him or stay. He revealed to me how controlling and manipulating people would never get me the desired results I wanted. Therefore, allowing a man to leave who is not fully committed has gotten easier to do. A man that operates in God's love is a joy to be around and makes engaging the relationship an enjoyable journey.

Integrity

By today's standards, to say that you love someone could have so many different potential meanings. That's why, looking for integrity in a mans life is important to me. Integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. It's basically who you are when no one is looking. You doing what's right regardless to whether or not it benefits you. Meaning that your yes means "yes" and your no means "no". So often, a person says that they love you when in fact what they could really mean is, "I want to be with you as long as my needs are met regardless of your needs." To me, a man's integrity will not allow his words to be merely for show.

When you enter a new relationship, you are cognizant of the words you use. You don't want to offend or run off the person before they've had a chance to really get to know you. But if you are a person that lacks integrity, pretty soon, your words and actions will start to contradict each other. You may insist that you will call or come by, however, days later the other person still has not had any contact with you. Then when your other "interests" have fallen off, you come up with what you think is a good excuse for not having kept your word to call or come by. In reality what you are saying is "I can't be trusted to keep a promise. Whatever I have to say to keep you in my life, I will say. But don't expect me to really do anything to keep you there." This shows a lack of integrity.

I know you may be thinking, it was only a call or a visit. But how often do the little things that aren't dealt with in a relationship escalate into major issues and conflicts? Sure, no one will get physically hurt by a missed call or visit. But the level of trust that could have been built in the relationship suffers. So, a man of integrity will not only keep his word, he understands that his character suffers when he doesn't. This man will not only be interested in what he can get out of the relationship but willing to contribute to it as well. 

Faith

I know you may be wondering, "how does having Faith affect whether or not I find Real Love?" Well let me begin by explaining that Faith is a process that involves four components: 1. You have to hear God's word on a matter. 2. You have to believe that word; independent of your situation or circumstances. 3. You have to confess the word that you heard and believe. 4. You have to put corresponding actions with those words.  

For many years, my concept of love was what I read in books, saw on TV or heard my friends say was love. But for me, doing what I read about, saw and even heard about from others never yielded the fulfilling relationship I so desired. Once I found out about the process of how Faith works, I determined that I would believe God for a rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Therefore, I look for Faith in a mans life as opposed to his material possessions. Because I know that when he operates in Faith, nothing is impossible for him to achieve and have in life.

I want to share with you a principle I learned through something that recently happened to me that confirms and supports the Faith process in regards to exercising Faith for a relationship. I recently met a man who has Cerebral Palsy (CP). Years ago, I worked in an environment of people diagnosed with CP. So I know the range of the disability.  But I'd never met anyone who made me laugh as much as this man did. Although he may have been limited physically by a disability, it was pretty obvious that he didn't allow it to keep him from choosing to live a happy life. Because of his limited speech ability, I purposed to listen and really hear each word that he spoke. It took some effort on my part but I eventually understood him perfectly. But not only that, he was able to stand his ground and not let me just give up on trying to understand him. He would say "no" when I asked if we could move on to another topic when I couldn't fully understand what he was saying. How often in dating relationships do we not really take the time to understand the person we allow in our lives. So that when we come against an obstacle, it's easier to give up and think the relationship couldn't possibly work. But what if it could? No matter the differences or obstacles.

That's when I began to clearly see that to take God at His word that marriage is possible for me, I couldn't be moved by what I saw. Here was a man that didn't fit any preconceived ideas I had of what a perfect mate was like but he was able to communicate with me on a level that men without a disability failed to do. I realized that even though I confess the word regularly, my actions didn't fully line up with my confession. I'm learning to not limit God's ability to provide the kind of mate I desire no matter the package he may be wrapped in. That Faith gives you the staying power needed when things look nothing like what you are trusting God for until what you are believing for is manifested in your life.

Real Love

I started this blog by discussing relationships; mine to be exact. I wanted to set the foundation before revealing the reason that pushed me to reveal my inner most struggles that started me on this journey of sharing my life to the world at large. Now that the Reason is known, I pondered "what's next?" Due to the limited number of rewarding, fulfilling and all-or-nothing relationships I've had in my life, from this point on, I want to explore more. As you can see from my previous blogs, so many other factors contributed to the make-or-break, pass-or-fail and even the win-or-lose mentality I carried into each relationship. So, if you like me want to explore more, keep reading and Enjoy the Journey!

My quest for that one true Real Love experience has taught me one very important lesson. Each and every relationship is different. That's why you can't look at someone's good or bad relationship and determine that your relationship will be just like that. We are to take their example and not imitate their behavior but learn from it. Will what you see in them harm, hinder or encourage and inspire your relationship? People are always in a learning stage in their life; whether they want to admit it or not. But when two people come together at a time when their learning coincides with one another, that makes for a meaningful relationship: Because they both are willing to put in the time and effort to make the relationship work. That's why we've seen people we were in a relationship with with, leave us and then go on to find someone else and their relationship seems to work. It's not magic; maybe they learned from the relationship they had with you and when they entered the next one, they applied the principles learned. Whereas, you are stuck in the hurt you felt from the breakup and refuse to learn how to do better with the next person.

Needless to say, I didn't get to this point in my life without a lot of conflicting emotions. Surely, the next guy knew not to do "that" to me. What if he didn't? Didn't I learn from my past relationships that I had to communicate with the person I'm with and not assume that he knows everything about me? Right now, the greatest joy I'm experiencing in new relationships is getting to know the person. Why? Because it's so much easier to see if I "fit" his lifestyle rather than trying to make a place for myself with someone just to say I have a man in my life. I learned from my Pastor that we should compromise standards; he no longer has to be tall, dark and handsome. But we should never compromise morals; he will always have to be a man of Faith, integrity and the God kind of Love -Real Love!

A Good Guy

A month after the online dating debacle, I was in the library early one morning preparing to make online bill payments due to having used up my mobile data for the month. After being there a while, a gentleman came and sat at the desk with me. He introduced himself and asked for my name. We started talking and before you know it, an hour had passed. He did most of the talking and I was content to just listen. Before long, I needed to leave because I had to go to work so I told him it was nice having met him. We exchanged goodbyes and I left.

Two weeks later, I was again at the library but this time it was early afternoon. The library was crowded so I sat at a table almost when you first come in. After a while, a table cleared toward the back where I usually sit and as I walked toward it, I saw the man that I'd met there two weeks prior. He was working on something so he didn't immediately come to my desk. But when he did, we talked again for over an hour. This time, I engaged more in the conversation and he just sat back and listened as I talked. I liked that. I had an art class that night and I told him I needed to leave. He walked me out to my car where we noticed that one of my tires needed air in it. He asked if I wouldn't mind following him to the gas station so that he could put more air in the tire. As I followed him, I phoned one of my girlfriends and told her what I was doing and gave her his tag number, you know, just in case.

While at the gas station, he not only put air in the tire that needed it, he also checked the other three tires as well. I liked that. When we'd gotten there, I'd given him money to get the change for the machine but he had coins himself. Afterward, he told me the importance of a woman always having money on hand for emergencies such as this then he gave me back my money. I liked that too. We stood and talked for a little bit where he continued to confirm his interest in me. He'd talked about it while we were at the library but the way he looked at me while at the gas station, I knew he meant what he was saying. 

To say that he came along in my life during a time when I not only needed to be made to feel like I was cared about but for him to actually be a good guy as well, endeared him to me all the more. I told my girlfriends that he really made me feel like a Female when he was attending to my needs. I really liked that. Although we are not at a place in our lives where a dating relationship is imminent, a budding friendship is definitely on the horizon.

Pushed or Stepped out

For the longest time, my best friend has been telling me that I should write a book about my life. She says the things that happen to me should be known by others: that the way I tell her the things that has happened would make for great reading. Then after I started online dating, a friend from church told me that I should start a blog of the things that happened between me and the guys I met online. I wholeheartedly agreed with them both because I've always wanted to write a book. However, I felt that writing about my life would be too transparent and that other people have gone through way more than I have who could possibly do a better job.

But after meeting Tyrone and not really being sure exactly what his motives for gaining inside knowledge of what's in my heart and his intended use of said knowledge, I knew that I could no longer be silent. I decided to write and tell my story because I refuse to let anyone else steal my voice. At my fingertips each week is a tool I can use to not only speak as loud as I possibly can, but it allows others to hear exactly what may be the source of their distress and offer avenues of not only inspiration and encouragement but healing, health and long life.

To say that I was disappointed with Tyrone (or whoever it was I communicated with) is an understatement. But to know that I'm in a place in my life where I am no longer a victim is a true testament to the fact that those past things I've talked about in my earlier blogs are truly in my past. No matter Tyrone's intended use, he could never use my words the way I use them. Even if he wrote the exact same words I did and tried to manipulate someone else with them, they would be lifeless for him because I'm the one who lived and breathed them. I truly understand exactly what my Pastor means now when he says "the presence of a counterfeit means that there truly is a genuine." 

Even though a relationship was not the end result for me through online dating, I'm glad I haven't given up hope on ever having someone in my life. The presence of Tyrone made sure I continue to believe there is truly an honest man of integrity that wants to be a part of my life. But for those of you who have given up on your dreams, don't allow circumstances to stop you from going forward in life. Don't wait to be PUSHED into doing those things that will bring you great fulfillment in life. STEP OUT and Enjoy the Journey as you Possess the Land.

The REASON why I Blog

His name is Tyrone Phillip Boateng and I met him on an online dating site. The reason I joined a dating site was because it gave me the opportunity to be able to meet men from all around the world. I'd been on a couple of sites for about 3 months when Tyrone "flirted" with me and I responded to his flirt. He asked for my personal email address. I'd only given that to one other guy because I felt it safer to stay on the site since it was being monitored (I was notified that a couple of men that previously contacted me had been BANNED). I gave him my usual speech about staying on the site, however, he was able to talk me into giving him my personal email. The thing that attracted me most to Tyrone was the fact that he was willing to share of himself. He suggested that we write email "letters" to each other; not the text messages or chatting that most guys wanted to do so that they could talk to as many women as possible. He said that he would put forth the effort to communicate with me and I told him I would do likewise. 

The initial letters were full of information about himself, his family and his work. He asked plenty of questions which I in turn asked back to him. We felt this was a good way to get to know one another because Tyrone lived in another state and we wouldn't have the opportunity to just meet somewhere for dinner and a movie. I enjoyed receiving his letters and he stated he enjoyed reading mine. I shared with Tyrone those things that were in my heart (some things I've shared in my blogs) because I'm not ashamed of my life. If I can help one person do better in life because of something I've gone through and I am able to let them know there is a better way, I'll do it. I remember telling a couple of friends that Tyrone seemed to be saying all the right things that I needed and wanted to hear. Even though, I still enlisted their prayers for me as I continued to pray about this budding friendship. 

In his first letter to me, Tyrone asked me to define relationship in my own words. My response to him was, "I think that the honesty and integrity of the two people who are communicating will define the relationship." Needless to say, I soon found out that Tyrone was not honest nor did he walk in integrity. This is the Tyrone he presented to me: "I am a one woman man and am not looking for a sexual partner or dating. I am looking for a serious relationship that will end in marriage. I am a 48 year old single dad of a son who is 10 years old. His name is Don and his mother died in a car accident some years back. I do believe Jesus is my Lord and personal savior and I am born again. I am an artist, sculpture and painter. I am a real easy person to talk to and a good listener. I am tired of searching and I hope you can be the chosen one for me."

Just from reading that, you know I was ready to call all my girls and let them know about this man. But I wanted to wait a while to see how things worked out between us. Then one day I got a letter that just didn't sound like "my" Tyrone. It sounded juvenile whereas Tyrone's letters sounded more mature. I knew it had to be a different person when I got to the part where he talked about us having been friends for some time. Dude, I barely know you! But I kept reading. He went on to say that since the day we met, he'd fallen deeply in love with me. That I was his best friend, his one true love. That he promises to share his life with me no matter what tomorrow may bring. Then his next words would contradict what he'd just said. He continued on by saying that he knew we weren't going to be able to be together because the distance was too great and it worried him. And even if we were already together and he hurt me, he'd beg me for one more chance to make me fall in love with him. To follow are the actual words from that LAST letter: "who knows - you might feel the same about me. I really think I love you, I just don't know how to tell you."

Excerpt from my journal: "Tyrone was a phony and a fraud. After he sent me the jacked up email, I went to the site to report him and there was finally a note saying his account was under review. I checked back later and he was officially BANNED! I guess my girls praying for me kept me covered because this could have really devastated me."

Me, Myself and I

Me: I've never been a "bad" girl so no drama that will catch up with me later in life. However, that doesn't mean that I don't have issues that I have to deal with. The good news is that in Christ, those issues are just reminders of how far I've come in life. Before being born again, I walked in rejection, low self esteem and discouragement. But now, I'm an overcomer and I try to use my life's experiences when I talk to others about moving forward in God.

Myself: At one point in my life I thought of myself as being fearless. However, when God spoke to me about making a change for my personal health, I became resistant to make that change. I told Him I couldn't make that big of a change because what would "she" or "they" think of me after the change. That's when He showed me that I feared man more than I feared Him. He was trying to help me improve my quality of life, but I was willing to stay in a state that hindered my growth because of what someone else might think or say. I heeded his voice and 12 years later, it was the greatest change I could have ever made to help boost my confidence and self esteem.

I: Today, I walk in the reverential fear of God because He knows what's best for me at all times. Excerpt from my journal: "Not only am I using these precious days to straighten out my thinking, I've come to realize that there are some things that I want; like dating. I want to date, be romanced by and get to know the man who will be my husband. I am not running out of time and everything does not have to happen quick, fast and in a hurry. I want us to grow together. Get to know one another. If we know early on great, if not, we can continue dating (if that's what we both want) until we are sure. I know God has already spoken and the end result will be good and very good. But right now, I'm ready to ENJOY the journey."

About Me

I grew up in a large family of 9 girls (7 still living) and my Dad had four kids (1 still living) from a previous marriage when he married my Mom. With me being the youngest, I basically grew up with my sister's kids. As we got older and they started lives of their own, I found that I didn't really have a foundation with my sisters so I'm constantly forming new friendships with each of them. That in itself has been an experience for me because my girlfriends over the years have been more like sisters to me than my own siblings. 

I've always had an independent spirit. I've never been one to follow the crowd. But somehow, I would always end up leading the crowd. I learned early on to take care of me from being hurt by others. But sometimes I failed to shield me from being hurt by me. I was my own worst critic. There was a time when I would look at myself and not see a single thing that was noteworthy. However, I learned when I was in Elementary school to not judge others by what they had or didn't have. I remember one weekend my sister planned to braid my hair. We had family get togethers on the weekend and one of our neighbors three kids came to our house. They kids basically wore the same clothes every day and never really looked as if they took regular baths. My sister decided that she was going to braid the little girls' hair too. I told my sister that I wanted her to braid my hair first. To which she quickly let me know that I basically can get my hair braided at anytime on any day. But these girls' didn't know when they'd even get their hair combed again. 

I've always wanted to be a mother (marriage was optional). However, as I grow in God, I realize that I desire marriage also. The fact that I've been through so much hurt and pain and I still want to live life to the fullest is the greatest use of the love God has so richly given to me. Growing up, I wanted to be a teacher and a secretary. I teach God's word (prior Sunday school teacher, family bible study and through my life's experiences) and I'm a secretary at work. I took the long route to get here, but I'm here. I enjoy journaling, reading, hanging out with friends and I dabble with poetry and writing. Most recently, I've gotten more in touch with my artistic and creative side by taking art as therapy classes. Each day, I evolve more and more into the woman that God created me to be and I'm Enjoying the Journey!

Are you ready?

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28-30‬ MSG)

Last week, I talked about God being there for me and turning things around in my life. But what about when I was tired, worn out and burned out on religion? He was there too. I'd gotten to a point in my dating life where I was tired of giving my body to men who were not committed to me. I was worn out from trying to get past the limitations placed on me in my work environments. I sure was burned out on all the religious people in my life who weren't faring any better than I was but for appearance sake, you'd never know it. I knew that there had to be more than I had, was experiencing and even thought was possible. So my decision to make Jesus the Lord of my life has far exceeded any life I could have ever made on my own.

If you are at that place in your life where you are ready to accept His Love and His help,  pray this prayer and invite Jesus into your life not only as your Savior but as your Lord.

Dear God,

I heard the gospel today. I heard how much You love me and that you sent Your son Jesus to die for my sins. I want to be right with You God. I repent of my sins and invite Jesus into my life, not only as my Savior but as my Lord. Jesus, I relinquish control of my life to You and accept Your leadership, forgiveness and love. Thank you Father for saving me today. In Jesus name, Amen.

If you prayed that prayer and you meant it, leave a comment or tweet me @M924life so that we can discuss the next path on your journey. Welcome to the Family!

My Lord

When I was in Elementary school, my neighbor friends invited me to their Church's Vacation Bible School. My Mom would not allow me to go because I was not a member of their church. I didn't understand why I couldn't go because she would send me to "our" church every Sunday. I thought that as long as you went to church, it shouldn't have mattered where the church was located. After their Vacation Bible School week ended, my friends told me how I was going to Hell because I did not participate in what they'd learned about Heaven and God that week. I basically obsessed about what they'd said because I didn't want to go to Hell just because my Mom wouldn't allow me to go to their church. One day I was sitting in the school cafeteria talking to this God that I had learned about when I went to "our" church and I told Him about everything that had happened; from my friends inviting me to their church, my Mom not letting me go, to my ultimately being doomed to Hell because I didn't attend their church. I told Him I didn't want to die and go to Hell and I asked Him to save me.

When I was in the Fourth grade, our teacher gave us an assignment to learn a Bible verse and recite it to the class. Since I now had a personal relationship with God, I asked Him which verse would He like me to learn. He told me the 23 Psalm. I learned it all and was very pleased when I could recite the whole thing to my class. Over the years, I've encountered many more bible chapter and verses that mean something to me. However, the 23 Psalm is my guiding light as I navigate through life. Not only does it remind me of all that I have in Christ, it centers me and never lets me forget my beginning with Him that even as a child, He cared so much for me. 

As I grew, I had salvation but no working knowledge of how to live a Godly lifestyle. Sure, God had saved me, then impressed upon my heart to be baptized but until that time came when I was in an environment where I could be taught how to live for Him, I lived pretty much as everyone else. I made the same promises to God that most everyone else did such as, "God, if You do this then I'll do that". I can remember the day He challenged that statement. He had just beautifully orchestrated me being able to buy a new car at a dealership He had my sister take me to whereas I'd previously been turned down at dealerships around town. As I was leaving heading home so I could "show off" my new car to family and friends, I thanked God for what He had done for me. But I sensed that He wasn't pleased. I asked Him what was wrong. That's when He stated, "I've done everything you've asked me to do for you, when will you do what I ask of you?" I knew what He was talking about. That day was a Wednesday and I'd been promising Him that I would start going to Bible Study but I never really put forth an effort to do so. After all, I went to church on Sunday, wasn't that enough? I told Him that instead of showing off my car, I would go to church that night. From that day to this one, I've been committed to church attendance, working in the church and renewing my mind with Gods word. Allowing Him to be Lord over my life has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

Abandonment issues and Restoration

Growing up with my Dad in the home but emotionally detached established the belief that I had that even though a guy didn't actively participate in our relationship didn't mean that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I saw it as him not fully being able to communicate his needs, therefore, as long as I gave him what I thought he wanted, that would be enough to sustain the relationship. I struggled for many years with abandonment issues as a result.

When my parents divorced, I blamed myself. I thought that I'd done something to cause the breakup, even though I knew there were problems in the home. After the divorce, I no longer saw my Dad. Although when we were in the same house and my Dad didn't actively communicate with me, I thought that after the divorce he would at least want to see me and still be a part of my life. When that didn't happen and I entered into relationships, I worried that each man would at some point leave, or abandon me no matter how much I wanted him to stay. I would make as many concessions to what I needed in the relationship to keep him happy and wanting to be with me. The more concessions I made, the less of the real me was left in the relationship.

Then one day God told me that He would never leave me or forsake me. That no matter who comes or goes in my life or what situations and challenges that I may face, He will always be there for me. It took His consistency and faithfulness to always show Himself strong, comfort and correct me for me to finally realize that He meant every word that He said. Because of the unconditional love that He gives to me, I am able to stand against abandonment issues in my present day relationships. So that now when a man no longer wants to be in a relationship with me, I allow him the freedom to leave. 

My Dad

Growing up, my Dad was in the house but he was emotionally detached and pretty much kept to himself. I remember him as the one who always cut the grass but I can't recall a time of him ever holding or talking to me; communicating as Father and Daughter. He and my Mom divorced when I was 16 years old and to no longer be in a home with him was no different than being in one with him.

When I was 20, my sister (the one who had breast cancer) passed and her funeral was the first time that I'd seen my Dad since the divorce. It would be another 12 years after that before God opened a door of restoration for us. My Dad was in town visiting staying at a boarding house and he was able to get my phone number to get in touch with me. I invited him to my home and he told me of how the Doctor had given up on him to live and sent him back home (to another State to live with my Sister from his first marriage). He was able to admit that he was an alcoholic and had other health issues that if not resolved, he was gonna die. He told me of how he was riding in the ambulance to the other State and he asked God to help him. He said he never wanted or took another drink after that ride. He did, however, end up on dialysis and lived for 20 more years after that fatal diagnosis.

The second year he visited, he stayed at my home where he asked to see my other sisters -not all of them wanted to see him, and he apologized to us for his part in the dysfunction in our home as we grew up. During that same visit, I led my Dad to the Lord, he was 82 years old. We had six more years together in which to build an adult Father and Daughter relationship before he passed. Over those years, I was able to visit him and my sister in their home State which allowed she and I to build a relationship. It was slow going at first because there seemed to be a great disconnect because we didn't know each other. I remember one day standing in the grocery store crying while trying to pick out a Father's Day card for him. I couldn't honestly say that any of those words on the cards resembled the man I grew up with. I had to make the choice between taking the opportunity that God had given us for a second chance at a relationship or holding on to past hurts and transgressions. I decided that I wanted a relationship with him and as a result, I was able to receive my Father's love: he held me and told me that he loved me.

Deliverance is available

I held on to the hatred in my heart that I had for Mr. Wonderful for YEARS. I couldn't think or talk about him without wanting to literally kill him. No one seemed to understand how I could despise him so after the "breakup". After all, I never told anyone how he treated me behind closed doors. I couldn't go into details on why we were no longer together. That would mean that I would have to explain how he tried to kill me that day. I think my Mom knew. She never said anything when she saw me after, but it was a "knowing quiet" from her; like she knew her reasons for disliking him were indeed true.

I know I changed after that relationship. I didn't trust anymore. I didn't want a man to touch me anymore. I became trapped by the fear that no matter who I was in a relationship with, he would sooner or later change and become this person that I would  come to despise. I became distant in relationships because I had to protect myself from any abuse -verbal, mental and physical. Therefore, I didn't hang around long in relationships. At the first sign of a disagreement, I was out. I wanted a lasting relationship but I no longer knew how to achieve one.

Then one day God stepped in and I've been forever changed. If it had not happened to me, I probably wouldn't believe it, but it did. For me, it wasn't a natural way to be delivered but I wasn't in a spiritual environment where I could have received sound spiritual counseling. A coworker told me about watching Dr. Mark Chironna on TBN the night before ministering on deliverance. TBN will usually air the broadcast the next afternoon. So I left work in enough time to get home to see the broadcast. 

To follow is an excerpt from my journal: "The Spirit of the Lord sat on me tonight. . . That's right, the Holy Spirit sat on me. Why? Because I was fighting God. You read right, I was fighting. That's the word the Lord used when He said "will you stop fighting me?" . . .I was watching Praise the Lord and Dr. Mark Chironna was praying for people. He said something to a lady about how God was speaking to her need for perfection because she feels like she has failed if something doesn't work out. . .That's the way I felt about me and my past relationships. . .Anyway, I fell back on the sofa and continued to watch the broadcast. Dr. Chironna was telling the lady that the things the enemy had been telling her were not the truth. I don't remember when I started to try and get up, all I remember was that I couldn't. . .it felt like someone lay across my legs. I started crying and saying "I can't move". Then that's when God asked "will you stop fighting me?" I said "yes" over and over again. He still didn't get up. I kept crying then finally I threw my hands up in the air and cried some more. After a while, my hands crossed over my chest and He got up". I don't fight Him anymore. 

They called him Mr. Wonderful

A friend I went to High School with introduced me to a guy she knew. From the first, everything appeared as if we were a match made in heaven. He did all the things that would make a woman swoon: bought roses, took carriage rides, talked about me constantly to others (and they would tell me too). From the outside looking in, he was Mr. Wonderful. The only person that didn't really care for him was my Mom.

After we became sexually active, his propensity towards porn (watching and acting it out) became the dominant factor in the relationship. I hated it. There was something on the inside of me that knew that this was wrong. But who could I talk to about how I felt? Others thought he was so good to me. Over time, his actions toward me felt more like he thought he was entitled to me and what I had: my car, my money and my body. One night after we'd gone to a wedding reception, we went back to his apartment and he wanted sex and I didn't. I told him so. The next thing I knew, he ripped off my pantyhose and panties and forced himself on me. Who do I tell about what happened? I mean, he's my boyfriend and we are already having sex. Who's going to believe that he had to force me? So I told no one.

I didn't leave him, I didn't know how. How do you leave Mr. Wonderful? He had already started to make me feel that no one else would want me. So I stayed as busy as I could so that we wouldn't have to spend much time together. My best friend was getting married in another state and he agreed to go with me and split the cost of the trip. By this time, he'd moved back in with his Grandparents in their basement. I stopped by one afternoon to get his half of the money and I waited for 45 minutes on the porch for him to come out of the house. Finally his Grandfather said for me to go in because he must have forgotten I was there. When I got to his room, he was laying in bed talking on the phone with another woman. I went to his bedside and hung up the phone. The next thing I knew, he had his hands around my throat strangling me. I struggled as I tried to hit at him as well as get away. I couldn't breathe and he didn't seem to care.

When I opened my eyes, I was sprawled out in the floor and the first things I saw were the legs of the table and chair in the kitchen area. How did I get here? How long was I out? Where is he? Then I heard running water. He was in the bathroom taking a shower getting ready for work. Is this all he thought of my life? Did he even know if I was alive or dead? Did he even care? I knew I had to get out of the house. I don't remember how I got to my car but once I was seated inside, I started to shake all over. I couldn't drive because I didn't know if I would stop shaking long enough to get home safely. After a while, I heard a noise. I looked up and I saw him walking down the street. He was headed to his Aunt's house because she had started taking him to work. I started my car, put my foot on the gas and aimed my car right at him. I chased him until he ran toward this big tree and started to climb. I don't know how I stopped my car in time before I went head on with the tree because all I could see was me pinning him with my car to that tree. I wanted him DEAD! 

Rejection!

Nobody wants to be rejected, but to be rejected by someone you thought was as committed in the relationship as you are is quite hurtful. Not only did I choose this guy, I thought he chose me too. At one time (even so much as recently) I thought that no matter what, I would always want him; even if it meant I'd be outside of God's will for my life. But after writing last weeks post, I realized that I no longer truly feel that way.

Sure, he rejected me, but given the opportunity to straighten things out, I would have given him another chance. I was just that much into him. Last week as I wrote, I could actually see the red flags that I wouldn't have hesitated to point out to another friend who may have experienced the same situation. I have since learned that people have issues that are totally unrelated to you. That in their attempt to keep themselves from being hurt, you may end up being the one to get hurt. You just have to know when to move on and go on with your life.

I've experienced more rejection in my life through the years, however, I won't let it keep me down long. Being rooted and grounded in God's word helps you to realize that no matter who leaves your life, God is always there for you. To follow is part of a confession of Truths from God's word that I confess daily:"I am deeply loved by God. I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. I am totally accepted by God. I am a NEW creation."

The One I wanted

I set my sights on him and I went after him. I got him! Oh man, this must be love. I knew exactly what to do this time. Spend as much time with him as I wanted. Believe me, I wanted a lot of his time. He worked nights so we spent a lot of time together during the day. We'd go to the park, out to eat and rent videos (he fell asleep the one time we went to the movie theater) to watch before he went to work. I gave him every part of me that he asked for. I told him about my desire to have a baby and he promised that "one day" that would become a reality.

I loved every moment spent with him. We talked, laughed and generally enjoyed each other's company. He would get off work at 2 am in the morning and come pick me up. We'd go to his apartment and sleep. Then just before dawn would be our time to "relate" to one another. So you can imagine my surprise when he came to see me one afternoon to tell me about a dream he had that included me and a baby. Seems that we'd gotten carried away and forgot to use protection during one of our early morning intimate times together. I can still remember how elated he was when I told him that I'd gotten my period the day before. His happy mood crushed me.

Then one night, my girlfriend and I went by his apartment to surprise him before he went to work. Another woman was there. He acted like she was "just a friend" to me. The same way he acted like I was "just a friend" to her. To save face with my girlfriend, I took her home then went back to his apartment. He was getting ready to leave for work, or so he said. But he wouldn't let me back in the apartment. We had to talk outside. There were a lot of hurtful words exchanged and I issued an ultimatum, "it's either her or me!". That's when I found out SHE was his girlfriend and I was the OTHER woman.

What I know

S.E.L.F.  E.S.T.E.E.M.
Seeking eternal life's fulfillment  Endeavor so that everything encourages me.

At the time when I was in the relationship with my friends cousin, I didn't know that I had self esteem issues. I just thought that I wasn't good enough to make the relationship work. I had no idea that the way I thought about myself hindered me from being able to give him what he needed. I didn't think I was pretty enough and I sure wasn't small enough. I thought when people saw us together they wondered what was he doing with me. I didn't want him to be embarrassed to be with me because if I thought those things, surely he thought them too.

As I write, I noticed how many times I said "I". It seems that I was more focused on myself and couldn't see past the limitations I'd already set for myself. Limitations of doubt, fear and low self worth. I doubted whether he really wanted me just for me. Why would he when I could name so many things that I would change about me? I even feared that he would change and decide that he no longer thought I was "the one". And there was no way I was going to believe that I was truly worthy of the love he was giving me, after all, I wasn't giving love back to him.

One of the first things God dealt with me about when I completely gave Him Lordship over my life was to deal with my lack of self esteem. I got into the word in order to get a clear picture of what I should look like. I started confessing my SELF ESTEEM acronym (from above) over my life as well as confessions about who I am in Christ. I still make my confessions daily because there are times when things around me say I'm still "that girl". Now that I know who I am and what I have to offer, I can Possess the Land.

I once was blind.

During my Sophomore year of College, a friend I'd met Freshman year was so in love that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend's cousin. The three of them came by my dorm and before the night was over, the cousin was madly in love with me. He wanted to be with me and didn't care who knew it. As far as he was concerned, he'd met his love match for the rest of his life. He was a sensitive young man who liked to express his love to and for me. It was overwhelming to say the least. How could he know? Why me? Is this real? I had so many unanswered questions but I knew that I had to at least give it a try. My friend just knew that he and I would make the perfect couple.

At first, the attention was new and exciting. I had nothing to compare it to nor was there anything in me that naturally knew how to return what he was freely giving to me. He bought flowers, hugged and kissed me a lot, sent get well cards to my sister (she had breast cancer), washed my car, tried to teach me how to drive his car (a stick shift). He invited me to an out of town wedding where I met his sister and brother in law. He introduced me to his parents. He wanted to be my "first". After my meltdown where I'd locked myself in the bathroom, he talked to me through the door. Then after getting me to come out, he held me through the night. He just wanted to be with me! And at whatever pace I was willing to set. He just wanted me to love him and didn't ask me to change anything about myself: Just give him what I could.

I wanted so much to be able to give him what he needed; my love. I felt so inadequate because I just couldn't seem to do "it" right. How could I give him what I didn't even have for myself? In my mind, the best way to show him was to let him go so that he could find someone capable of giving him the kind of love he deserved. So I had the "it's not you, it's me" speech with him and severed our relationship. At the time, I thought it was the best thing for the both of us. Over the years, I've battled the "what if" question many times. I lost contact with my friend after graduation. But a few years ago, she and I made contact again and I learned that he was happy and married with children. When I learned what real love was through God's word, I asked God to prepare me for the one who I can express all my love to and in a way that pleases Him.

What I learned. . .

Over the years, I thought that the 15 year old boy/man was a source of disappointment to me. Disappointment is when others come short of what you thought they should have done or achieved. I reasoned that if he would just open up and tell me how he really felt then all would be right in my world. The fact that he didn't and wouldn't open up to me should have alerted me to the fact that he did not want a relationship with me. As I look back, I realize that I often wanted the man that he became to be the 15 year old boy who sought me out all those years ago. No matter how patiently I waited, it never happened. Every time he would enter then leave my life, I felt disappointed because he wouldn't commit to me.

When in actuality, waiting on him was my cause of discouragement for decades. Discouragement is when you come short of what you thought you would have done or achieved. I reasoned that since I didn't do anything for him to choose me in the beginning, then all I had to do was be available to him whenever he came into my life. Surely one day he would remember what drew him to me in the first place and want that for his life again. As I grew in the word of God, I realized that his treatment of me was not conducive to a healthy relationship. I had to do something different in order to get different results.

When God alerted me to my part in the failing relationship, that was my turning point where I knew I couldn't go on the way I was. I had to make some changes. I started making confessions about who I was in Christ, what I have in life and what I wanted out of a relationship. Sure, I shouldn't have labored for the relationship for twenty-five years, but when you want who you want (especially when your heart is in it) you stay there as long as it takes.

Excerpt from my journal: "You have to talk to the thoughts that try to pull you back. Don't be afraid and tell the truth. Because if you truly want God's best, that's what you will speak. Point in case, thoughts telling me that I want what I "used" to want. In all honesty, I told the thoughts what I "truly" want. A man of my own, doing what my man should be doing. . .in every area of my life. Don't think you will only have to talk once and everything will be fine. That's not exactly how it works. The only reason I'm writing now is because of the thoughts. All day long so far. And you know what? I'm really excited about what's in store for me with my man". Possess the Land!

In the beginning

I fell in love at the age of 15 with a boy who held my heart for the next 30 years. Only thing is, he never wanted or admitted to ever wanting to be a part of my life. He and his friend showed up on my doorstep one afternoon and the rest as they say is history. He chose me over this girl who was all but throwing herself at him. That day he told me that as they walked (yeah, this was back in the day) to my house, they saw her. He told her where he was headed and in his own words "if looks could kill, he'd be dead". She did not like the fact that he was coming to see me. I was deeply moved because she was light skinned with good hair. But he wanted me: shy, round and a virtual unknown. Needless to say, that relationship only lasted long enough for our English teacher to take note (she called us out in the lobby during a talent show). For him to leave me stranded at a school dance where an upperclassman took advantage by grinding on me during a slow song (I don't do that anymore). To one day seeing my guy hugged up with an eighth grader (she was light skinned with long hair). What? He left me for someone younger! When did we break up? He never said.

Over the years, he would come in and out of my life at will. I would always welcome him in and be devastated when he left. It got to the place once where my best friend told me that she didn't like him and that I should just move on. How could I? I wanted his love to match mine. What if he decided that he wanted me the moment I gave up? I couldn't risk that happening. Sure, during those 30 years, he married two women -both of which was NOT me. But still, one day he would love me. If he already didn't but was too scared to say. I just knew he would one day declare his love to me. I still remember that 15 year old boy that stood on my doorstep choosing me over another girl. But the man he grew into never once mentioned wanting to be a part of my life on a permanent basis. Then one day God intervened during my prayer time and showed me exactly the outcome of putting my life on hold while waiting for someone who obviously wasn't waiting for me.

Even knowing that what God said was true, it still took me a few years to finally accept my part and move on. I'll never forget it. It was our 25th class reunion banquet and he showed up late with his second wife in tow. He didn't speak to me and hardly acknowledged me as I went around the room taking pictures of our classmates. As I prepared to LEAVE that's when he cornered me and started asking me how things were. He wanted to know why I didn't participate in many of the class functions any longer. As I write this, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember feeling numb. Like I was having an out-of-body experience. He looked at me as though he thought I was losing my mind. I made a move toward him and he jumped back as in fright. As if he thought I was going to hit him. After all these years, he didn't know anything about my character. He didn't know that I would never intentionally hurt him. That all I wanted was for him to love me. What else could I do? I just told him "Goodbye" and I left. I haven't seen or heard from him since and I'm OK with that.

Hi, this is my journey, my story. I will tell it all. I want to be a source of inspiration and encouragement to others as I navigate through my life's journey to marrying the right person the first time. I'm old enough, secure enough in who I am and mentally stable enough to know better about male female relationships. However, after reading about some of the things I have done and most recently experienced, I hope you will realize that you are not alone in your quest for a marriage partner either. I'm right there with you!

Just so you know, I never really thought about being married. I've always known that I wanted to have kids -marriage was optional. But as I got older and my friends were getting married and having kids, they started telling me about how hard taking care of children would be if they didn't have any help. Add to the fact that somewhere in my quest to becoming a mom, I got saved and realized that God's order was marriage first and then kids. So now here I am, 20 years later with no husband and no kids. Let the journey begin!

I hope to inspire and encourage you as I share my experiences with blind dating (being set up by friends-one in particular, who wanted to help a sista out), friendship dating (what my Pastor taught us Singles should be the goal of relationships) and most recently online dating (my reason for now wanting to meet men face-to-face). All of which have given me new hope that there truly is a man out there for me. And I won't give up until I Possess the Land!