Deliverance is available

I held on to the hatred in my heart that I had for Mr. Wonderful for YEARS. I couldn't think or talk about him without wanting to literally kill him. No one seemed to understand how I could despise him so after the "breakup". After all, I never told anyone how he treated me behind closed doors. I couldn't go into details on why we were no longer together. That would mean that I would have to explain how he tried to kill me that day. I think my Mom knew. She never said anything when she saw me after, but it was a "knowing quiet" from her; like she knew her reasons for disliking him were indeed true.

I know I changed after that relationship. I didn't trust anymore. I didn't want a man to touch me anymore. I became trapped by the fear that no matter who I was in a relationship with, he would sooner or later change and become this person that I would  come to despise. I became distant in relationships because I had to protect myself from any abuse -verbal, mental and physical. Therefore, I didn't hang around long in relationships. At the first sign of a disagreement, I was out. I wanted a lasting relationship but I no longer knew how to achieve one.

Then one day God stepped in and I've been forever changed. If it had not happened to me, I probably wouldn't believe it, but it did. For me, it wasn't a natural way to be delivered but I wasn't in a spiritual environment where I could have received sound spiritual counseling. A coworker told me about watching Dr. Mark Chironna on TBN the night before ministering on deliverance. TBN will usually air the broadcast the next afternoon. So I left work in enough time to get home to see the broadcast. 

To follow is an excerpt from my journal: "The Spirit of the Lord sat on me tonight. . . That's right, the Holy Spirit sat on me. Why? Because I was fighting God. You read right, I was fighting. That's the word the Lord used when He said "will you stop fighting me?" . . .I was watching Praise the Lord and Dr. Mark Chironna was praying for people. He said something to a lady about how God was speaking to her need for perfection because she feels like she has failed if something doesn't work out. . .That's the way I felt about me and my past relationships. . .Anyway, I fell back on the sofa and continued to watch the broadcast. Dr. Chironna was telling the lady that the things the enemy had been telling her were not the truth. I don't remember when I started to try and get up, all I remember was that I couldn't. . .it felt like someone lay across my legs. I started crying and saying "I can't move". Then that's when God asked "will you stop fighting me?" I said "yes" over and over again. He still didn't get up. I kept crying then finally I threw my hands up in the air and cried some more. After a while, my hands crossed over my chest and He got up". I don't fight Him anymore.