S.E.L.F. E.S.T.E.E.M.
Seeking eternal life's fulfillment Endeavor so that everything encourages me.
At the time when I was in the relationship with my friends cousin, I didn't know that I had self esteem issues. I just thought that I wasn't good enough to make the relationship work. I had no idea that the way I thought about myself hindered me from being able to give him what he needed. I didn't think I was pretty enough and I sure wasn't small enough. I thought when people saw us together they wondered what was he doing with me. I didn't want him to be embarrassed to be with me because if I thought those things, surely he thought them too.
As I write, I noticed how many times I said "I". It seems that I was more focused on myself and couldn't see past the limitations I'd already set for myself. Limitations of doubt, fear and low self worth. I doubted whether he really wanted me just for me. Why would he when I could name so many things that I would change about me? I even feared that he would change and decide that he no longer thought I was "the one". And there was no way I was going to believe that I was truly worthy of the love he was giving me, after all, I wasn't giving love back to him.
One of the first things God dealt with me about when I completely gave Him Lordship over my life was to deal with my lack of self esteem. I got into the word in order to get a clear picture of what I should look like. I started confessing my SELF ESTEEM acronym (from above) over my life as well as confessions about who I am in Christ. I still make my confessions daily because there are times when things around me say I'm still "that girl". Now that I know who I am and what I have to offer, I can Possess the Land.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
I once was blind.
During my Sophomore year of College, a friend I'd met Freshman year was so in love that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend's cousin. The three of them came by my dorm and before the night was over, the cousin was madly in love with me. He wanted to be with me and didn't care who knew it. As far as he was concerned, he'd met his love match for the rest of his life. He was a sensitive young man who liked to express his love to and for me. It was overwhelming to say the least. How could he know? Why me? Is this real? I had so many unanswered questions but I knew that I had to at least give it a try. My friend just knew that he and I would make the perfect couple.
At first, the attention was new and exciting. I had nothing to compare it to nor was there anything in me that naturally knew how to return what he was freely giving to me. He bought flowers, hugged and kissed me a lot, sent get well cards to my sister (she had breast cancer), washed my car, tried to teach me how to drive his car (a stick shift). He invited me to an out of town wedding where I met his sister and brother in law. He introduced me to his parents. He wanted to be my "first". After my meltdown where I'd locked myself in the bathroom, he talked to me through the door. Then after getting me to come out, he held me through the night. He just wanted to be with me! And at whatever pace I was willing to set. He just wanted me to love him and didn't ask me to change anything about myself: Just give him what I could.
I wanted so much to be able to give him what he needed; my love. I felt so inadequate because I just couldn't seem to do "it" right. How could I give him what I didn't even have for myself? In my mind, the best way to show him was to let him go so that he could find someone capable of giving him the kind of love he deserved. So I had the "it's not you, it's me" speech with him and severed our relationship. At the time, I thought it was the best thing for the both of us. Over the years, I've battled the "what if" question many times. I lost contact with my friend after graduation. But a few years ago, she and I made contact again and I learned that he was happy and married with children. When I learned what real love was through God's word, I asked God to prepare me for the one who I can express all my love to and in a way that pleases Him.
At first, the attention was new and exciting. I had nothing to compare it to nor was there anything in me that naturally knew how to return what he was freely giving to me. He bought flowers, hugged and kissed me a lot, sent get well cards to my sister (she had breast cancer), washed my car, tried to teach me how to drive his car (a stick shift). He invited me to an out of town wedding where I met his sister and brother in law. He introduced me to his parents. He wanted to be my "first". After my meltdown where I'd locked myself in the bathroom, he talked to me through the door. Then after getting me to come out, he held me through the night. He just wanted to be with me! And at whatever pace I was willing to set. He just wanted me to love him and didn't ask me to change anything about myself: Just give him what I could.
I wanted so much to be able to give him what he needed; my love. I felt so inadequate because I just couldn't seem to do "it" right. How could I give him what I didn't even have for myself? In my mind, the best way to show him was to let him go so that he could find someone capable of giving him the kind of love he deserved. So I had the "it's not you, it's me" speech with him and severed our relationship. At the time, I thought it was the best thing for the both of us. Over the years, I've battled the "what if" question many times. I lost contact with my friend after graduation. But a few years ago, she and I made contact again and I learned that he was happy and married with children. When I learned what real love was through God's word, I asked God to prepare me for the one who I can express all my love to and in a way that pleases Him.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
What I learned. . .
Over the years, I thought that the 15 year old boy/man was a source of disappointment to me. Disappointment is when others come short of what you thought they should have done or achieved. I reasoned that if he would just open up and tell me how he really felt then all would be right in my world. The fact that he didn't and wouldn't open up to me should have alerted me to the fact that he did not want a relationship with me. As I look back, I realize that I often wanted the man that he became to be the 15 year old boy who sought me out all those years ago. No matter how patiently I waited, it never happened. Every time he would enter then leave my life, I felt disappointed because he wouldn't commit to me.
When in actuality, waiting on him was my cause of discouragement for decades. Discouragement is when you come short of what you thought you would have done or achieved. I reasoned that since I didn't do anything for him to choose me in the beginning, then all I had to do was be available to him whenever he came into my life. Surely one day he would remember what drew him to me in the first place and want that for his life again. As I grew in the word of God, I realized that his treatment of me was not conducive to a healthy relationship. I had to do something different in order to get different results.
When God alerted me to my part in the failing relationship, that was my turning point where I knew I couldn't go on the way I was. I had to make some changes. I started making confessions about who I was in Christ, what I have in life and what I wanted out of a relationship. Sure, I shouldn't have labored for the relationship for twenty-five years, but when you want who you want (especially when your heart is in it) you stay there as long as it takes.
Excerpt from my journal: "You have to talk to the thoughts that try to pull you back. Don't be afraid and tell the truth. Because if you truly want God's best, that's what you will speak. Point in case, thoughts telling me that I want what I "used" to want. In all honesty, I told the thoughts what I "truly" want. A man of my own, doing what my man should be doing. . .in every area of my life. Don't think you will only have to talk once and everything will be fine. That's not exactly how it works. The only reason I'm writing now is because of the thoughts. All day long so far. And you know what? I'm really excited about what's in store for me with my man". Possess the Land!
When in actuality, waiting on him was my cause of discouragement for decades. Discouragement is when you come short of what you thought you would have done or achieved. I reasoned that since I didn't do anything for him to choose me in the beginning, then all I had to do was be available to him whenever he came into my life. Surely one day he would remember what drew him to me in the first place and want that for his life again. As I grew in the word of God, I realized that his treatment of me was not conducive to a healthy relationship. I had to do something different in order to get different results.
When God alerted me to my part in the failing relationship, that was my turning point where I knew I couldn't go on the way I was. I had to make some changes. I started making confessions about who I was in Christ, what I have in life and what I wanted out of a relationship. Sure, I shouldn't have labored for the relationship for twenty-five years, but when you want who you want (especially when your heart is in it) you stay there as long as it takes.
Excerpt from my journal: "You have to talk to the thoughts that try to pull you back. Don't be afraid and tell the truth. Because if you truly want God's best, that's what you will speak. Point in case, thoughts telling me that I want what I "used" to want. In all honesty, I told the thoughts what I "truly" want. A man of my own, doing what my man should be doing. . .in every area of my life. Don't think you will only have to talk once and everything will be fine. That's not exactly how it works. The only reason I'm writing now is because of the thoughts. All day long so far. And you know what? I'm really excited about what's in store for me with my man". Possess the Land!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
In the beginning
I fell in love at the age of 15 with a boy who held my heart for the next 30 years. Only thing is, he never wanted or admitted to ever wanting to be a part of my life. He and his friend showed up on my doorstep one afternoon and the rest as they say is history. He chose me over this girl who was all but throwing herself at him. That day he told me that as they walked (yeah, this was back in the day) to my house, they saw her. He told her where he was headed and in his own words "if looks could kill, he'd be dead". She did not like the fact that he was coming to see me. I was deeply moved because she was light skinned with good hair. But he wanted me: shy, round and a virtual unknown. Needless to say, that relationship only lasted long enough for our English teacher to take note (she called us out in the lobby during a talent show). For him to leave me stranded at a school dance where an upperclassman took advantage by grinding on me during a slow song (I don't do that anymore). To one day seeing my guy hugged up with an eighth grader (she was light skinned with long hair). What? He left me for someone younger! When did we break up? He never said.
Over the years, he would come in and out of my life at will. I would always welcome him in and be devastated when he left. It got to the place once where my best friend told me that she didn't like him and that I should just move on. How could I? I wanted his love to match mine. What if he decided that he wanted me the moment I gave up? I couldn't risk that happening. Sure, during those 30 years, he married two women -both of which was NOT me. But still, one day he would love me. If he already didn't but was too scared to say. I just knew he would one day declare his love to me. I still remember that 15 year old boy that stood on my doorstep choosing me over another girl. But the man he grew into never once mentioned wanting to be a part of my life on a permanent basis. Then one day God intervened during my prayer time and showed me exactly the outcome of putting my life on hold while waiting for someone who obviously wasn't waiting for me.
Even knowing that what God said was true, it still took me a few years to finally accept my part and move on. I'll never forget it. It was our 25th class reunion banquet and he showed up late with his second wife in tow. He didn't speak to me and hardly acknowledged me as I went around the room taking pictures of our classmates. As I prepared to LEAVE that's when he cornered me and started asking me how things were. He wanted to know why I didn't participate in many of the class functions any longer. As I write this, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember feeling numb. Like I was having an out-of-body experience. He looked at me as though he thought I was losing my mind. I made a move toward him and he jumped back as in fright. As if he thought I was going to hit him. After all these years, he didn't know anything about my character. He didn't know that I would never intentionally hurt him. That all I wanted was for him to love me. What else could I do? I just told him "Goodbye" and I left. I haven't seen or heard from him since and I'm OK with that.
Over the years, he would come in and out of my life at will. I would always welcome him in and be devastated when he left. It got to the place once where my best friend told me that she didn't like him and that I should just move on. How could I? I wanted his love to match mine. What if he decided that he wanted me the moment I gave up? I couldn't risk that happening. Sure, during those 30 years, he married two women -both of which was NOT me. But still, one day he would love me. If he already didn't but was too scared to say. I just knew he would one day declare his love to me. I still remember that 15 year old boy that stood on my doorstep choosing me over another girl. But the man he grew into never once mentioned wanting to be a part of my life on a permanent basis. Then one day God intervened during my prayer time and showed me exactly the outcome of putting my life on hold while waiting for someone who obviously wasn't waiting for me.
Even knowing that what God said was true, it still took me a few years to finally accept my part and move on. I'll never forget it. It was our 25th class reunion banquet and he showed up late with his second wife in tow. He didn't speak to me and hardly acknowledged me as I went around the room taking pictures of our classmates. As I prepared to LEAVE that's when he cornered me and started asking me how things were. He wanted to know why I didn't participate in many of the class functions any longer. As I write this, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember feeling numb. Like I was having an out-of-body experience. He looked at me as though he thought I was losing my mind. I made a move toward him and he jumped back as in fright. As if he thought I was going to hit him. After all these years, he didn't know anything about my character. He didn't know that I would never intentionally hurt him. That all I wanted was for him to love me. What else could I do? I just told him "Goodbye" and I left. I haven't seen or heard from him since and I'm OK with that.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Hi, this is my journey, my story. I will tell it all. I want to be a source of inspiration and encouragement to others as I navigate through my life's journey to marrying the right person the first time. I'm old enough, secure enough in who I am and mentally stable enough to know better about male female relationships. However, after reading about some of the things I have done and most recently experienced, I hope you will realize that you are not alone in your quest for a marriage partner either. I'm right there with you!
Just so you know, I never really thought about being married. I've always known that I wanted to have kids -marriage was optional. But as I got older and my friends were getting married and having kids, they started telling me about how hard taking care of children would be if they didn't have any help. Add to the fact that somewhere in my quest to becoming a mom, I got saved and realized that God's order was marriage first and then kids. So now here I am, 20 years later with no husband and no kids. Let the journey begin!
I hope to inspire and encourage you as I share my experiences with blind dating (being set up by friends-one in particular, who wanted to help a sista out), friendship dating (what my Pastor taught us Singles should be the goal of relationships) and most recently online dating (my reason for now wanting to meet men face-to-face). All of which have given me new hope that there truly is a man out there for me. And I won't give up until I Possess the Land!
Just so you know, I never really thought about being married. I've always known that I wanted to have kids -marriage was optional. But as I got older and my friends were getting married and having kids, they started telling me about how hard taking care of children would be if they didn't have any help. Add to the fact that somewhere in my quest to becoming a mom, I got saved and realized that God's order was marriage first and then kids. So now here I am, 20 years later with no husband and no kids. Let the journey begin!
I hope to inspire and encourage you as I share my experiences with blind dating (being set up by friends-one in particular, who wanted to help a sista out), friendship dating (what my Pastor taught us Singles should be the goal of relationships) and most recently online dating (my reason for now wanting to meet men face-to-face). All of which have given me new hope that there truly is a man out there for me. And I won't give up until I Possess the Land!
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