What I learned. . .

Over the years, I thought that the 15 year old boy/man was a source of disappointment to me. Disappointment is when others come short of what you thought they should have done or achieved. I reasoned that if he would just open up and tell me how he really felt then all would be right in my world. The fact that he didn't and wouldn't open up to me should have alerted me to the fact that he did not want a relationship with me. As I look back, I realize that I often wanted the man that he became to be the 15 year old boy who sought me out all those years ago. No matter how patiently I waited, it never happened. Every time he would enter then leave my life, I felt disappointed because he wouldn't commit to me.

When in actuality, waiting on him was my cause of discouragement for decades. Discouragement is when you come short of what you thought you would have done or achieved. I reasoned that since I didn't do anything for him to choose me in the beginning, then all I had to do was be available to him whenever he came into my life. Surely one day he would remember what drew him to me in the first place and want that for his life again. As I grew in the word of God, I realized that his treatment of me was not conducive to a healthy relationship. I had to do something different in order to get different results.

When God alerted me to my part in the failing relationship, that was my turning point where I knew I couldn't go on the way I was. I had to make some changes. I started making confessions about who I was in Christ, what I have in life and what I wanted out of a relationship. Sure, I shouldn't have labored for the relationship for twenty-five years, but when you want who you want (especially when your heart is in it) you stay there as long as it takes.

Excerpt from my journal: "You have to talk to the thoughts that try to pull you back. Don't be afraid and tell the truth. Because if you truly want God's best, that's what you will speak. Point in case, thoughts telling me that I want what I "used" to want. In all honesty, I told the thoughts what I "truly" want. A man of my own, doing what my man should be doing. . .in every area of my life. Don't think you will only have to talk once and everything will be fine. That's not exactly how it works. The only reason I'm writing now is because of the thoughts. All day long so far. And you know what? I'm really excited about what's in store for me with my man". Possess the Land!