In the beginning

I fell in love at the age of 15 with a boy who held my heart for the next 30 years. Only thing is, he never wanted or admitted to ever wanting to be a part of my life. He and his friend showed up on my doorstep one afternoon and the rest as they say is history. He chose me over this girl who was all but throwing herself at him. That day he told me that as they walked (yeah, this was back in the day) to my house, they saw her. He told her where he was headed and in his own words "if looks could kill, he'd be dead". She did not like the fact that he was coming to see me. I was deeply moved because she was light skinned with good hair. But he wanted me: shy, round and a virtual unknown. Needless to say, that relationship only lasted long enough for our English teacher to take note (she called us out in the lobby during a talent show). For him to leave me stranded at a school dance where an upperclassman took advantage by grinding on me during a slow song (I don't do that anymore). To one day seeing my guy hugged up with an eighth grader (she was light skinned with long hair). What? He left me for someone younger! When did we break up? He never said.

Over the years, he would come in and out of my life at will. I would always welcome him in and be devastated when he left. It got to the place once where my best friend told me that she didn't like him and that I should just move on. How could I? I wanted his love to match mine. What if he decided that he wanted me the moment I gave up? I couldn't risk that happening. Sure, during those 30 years, he married two women -both of which was NOT me. But still, one day he would love me. If he already didn't but was too scared to say. I just knew he would one day declare his love to me. I still remember that 15 year old boy that stood on my doorstep choosing me over another girl. But the man he grew into never once mentioned wanting to be a part of my life on a permanent basis. Then one day God intervened during my prayer time and showed me exactly the outcome of putting my life on hold while waiting for someone who obviously wasn't waiting for me.

Even knowing that what God said was true, it still took me a few years to finally accept my part and move on. I'll never forget it. It was our 25th class reunion banquet and he showed up late with his second wife in tow. He didn't speak to me and hardly acknowledged me as I went around the room taking pictures of our classmates. As I prepared to LEAVE that's when he cornered me and started asking me how things were. He wanted to know why I didn't participate in many of the class functions any longer. As I write this, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember feeling numb. Like I was having an out-of-body experience. He looked at me as though he thought I was losing my mind. I made a move toward him and he jumped back as in fright. As if he thought I was going to hit him. After all these years, he didn't know anything about my character. He didn't know that I would never intentionally hurt him. That all I wanted was for him to love me. What else could I do? I just told him "Goodbye" and I left. I haven't seen or heard from him since and I'm OK with that.