Deliverance is available

I held on to the hatred in my heart that I had for Mr. Wonderful for YEARS. I couldn't think or talk about him without wanting to literally kill him. No one seemed to understand how I could despise him so after the "breakup". After all, I never told anyone how he treated me behind closed doors. I couldn't go into details on why we were no longer together. That would mean that I would have to explain how he tried to kill me that day. I think my Mom knew. She never said anything when she saw me after, but it was a "knowing quiet" from her; like she knew her reasons for disliking him were indeed true.

I know I changed after that relationship. I didn't trust anymore. I didn't want a man to touch me anymore. I became trapped by the fear that no matter who I was in a relationship with, he would sooner or later change and become this person that I would  come to despise. I became distant in relationships because I had to protect myself from any abuse -verbal, mental and physical. Therefore, I didn't hang around long in relationships. At the first sign of a disagreement, I was out. I wanted a lasting relationship but I no longer knew how to achieve one.

Then one day God stepped in and I've been forever changed. If it had not happened to me, I probably wouldn't believe it, but it did. For me, it wasn't a natural way to be delivered but I wasn't in a spiritual environment where I could have received sound spiritual counseling. A coworker told me about watching Dr. Mark Chironna on TBN the night before ministering on deliverance. TBN will usually air the broadcast the next afternoon. So I left work in enough time to get home to see the broadcast. 

To follow is an excerpt from my journal: "The Spirit of the Lord sat on me tonight. . . That's right, the Holy Spirit sat on me. Why? Because I was fighting God. You read right, I was fighting. That's the word the Lord used when He said "will you stop fighting me?" . . .I was watching Praise the Lord and Dr. Mark Chironna was praying for people. He said something to a lady about how God was speaking to her need for perfection because she feels like she has failed if something doesn't work out. . .That's the way I felt about me and my past relationships. . .Anyway, I fell back on the sofa and continued to watch the broadcast. Dr. Chironna was telling the lady that the things the enemy had been telling her were not the truth. I don't remember when I started to try and get up, all I remember was that I couldn't. . .it felt like someone lay across my legs. I started crying and saying "I can't move". Then that's when God asked "will you stop fighting me?" I said "yes" over and over again. He still didn't get up. I kept crying then finally I threw my hands up in the air and cried some more. After a while, my hands crossed over my chest and He got up". I don't fight Him anymore. 

They called him Mr. Wonderful

A friend I went to High School with introduced me to a guy she knew. From the first, everything appeared as if we were a match made in heaven. He did all the things that would make a woman swoon: bought roses, took carriage rides, talked about me constantly to others (and they would tell me too). From the outside looking in, he was Mr. Wonderful. The only person that didn't really care for him was my Mom.

After we became sexually active, his propensity towards porn (watching and acting it out) became the dominant factor in the relationship. I hated it. There was something on the inside of me that knew that this was wrong. But who could I talk to about how I felt? Others thought he was so good to me. Over time, his actions toward me felt more like he thought he was entitled to me and what I had: my car, my money and my body. One night after we'd gone to a wedding reception, we went back to his apartment and he wanted sex and I didn't. I told him so. The next thing I knew, he ripped off my pantyhose and panties and forced himself on me. Who do I tell about what happened? I mean, he's my boyfriend and we are already having sex. Who's going to believe that he had to force me? So I told no one.

I didn't leave him, I didn't know how. How do you leave Mr. Wonderful? He had already started to make me feel that no one else would want me. So I stayed as busy as I could so that we wouldn't have to spend much time together. My best friend was getting married in another state and he agreed to go with me and split the cost of the trip. By this time, he'd moved back in with his Grandparents in their basement. I stopped by one afternoon to get his half of the money and I waited for 45 minutes on the porch for him to come out of the house. Finally his Grandfather said for me to go in because he must have forgotten I was there. When I got to his room, he was laying in bed talking on the phone with another woman. I went to his bedside and hung up the phone. The next thing I knew, he had his hands around my throat strangling me. I struggled as I tried to hit at him as well as get away. I couldn't breathe and he didn't seem to care.

When I opened my eyes, I was sprawled out in the floor and the first things I saw were the legs of the table and chair in the kitchen area. How did I get here? How long was I out? Where is he? Then I heard running water. He was in the bathroom taking a shower getting ready for work. Is this all he thought of my life? Did he even know if I was alive or dead? Did he even care? I knew I had to get out of the house. I don't remember how I got to my car but once I was seated inside, I started to shake all over. I couldn't drive because I didn't know if I would stop shaking long enough to get home safely. After a while, I heard a noise. I looked up and I saw him walking down the street. He was headed to his Aunt's house because she had started taking him to work. I started my car, put my foot on the gas and aimed my car right at him. I chased him until he ran toward this big tree and started to climb. I don't know how I stopped my car in time before I went head on with the tree because all I could see was me pinning him with my car to that tree. I wanted him DEAD! 

Rejection!

Nobody wants to be rejected, but to be rejected by someone you thought was as committed in the relationship as you are is quite hurtful. Not only did I choose this guy, I thought he chose me too. At one time (even so much as recently) I thought that no matter what, I would always want him; even if it meant I'd be outside of God's will for my life. But after writing last weeks post, I realized that I no longer truly feel that way.

Sure, he rejected me, but given the opportunity to straighten things out, I would have given him another chance. I was just that much into him. Last week as I wrote, I could actually see the red flags that I wouldn't have hesitated to point out to another friend who may have experienced the same situation. I have since learned that people have issues that are totally unrelated to you. That in their attempt to keep themselves from being hurt, you may end up being the one to get hurt. You just have to know when to move on and go on with your life.

I've experienced more rejection in my life through the years, however, I won't let it keep me down long. Being rooted and grounded in God's word helps you to realize that no matter who leaves your life, God is always there for you. To follow is part of a confession of Truths from God's word that I confess daily:"I am deeply loved by God. I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. I am totally accepted by God. I am a NEW creation."

The One I wanted

I set my sights on him and I went after him. I got him! Oh man, this must be love. I knew exactly what to do this time. Spend as much time with him as I wanted. Believe me, I wanted a lot of his time. He worked nights so we spent a lot of time together during the day. We'd go to the park, out to eat and rent videos (he fell asleep the one time we went to the movie theater) to watch before he went to work. I gave him every part of me that he asked for. I told him about my desire to have a baby and he promised that "one day" that would become a reality.

I loved every moment spent with him. We talked, laughed and generally enjoyed each other's company. He would get off work at 2 am in the morning and come pick me up. We'd go to his apartment and sleep. Then just before dawn would be our time to "relate" to one another. So you can imagine my surprise when he came to see me one afternoon to tell me about a dream he had that included me and a baby. Seems that we'd gotten carried away and forgot to use protection during one of our early morning intimate times together. I can still remember how elated he was when I told him that I'd gotten my period the day before. His happy mood crushed me.

Then one night, my girlfriend and I went by his apartment to surprise him before he went to work. Another woman was there. He acted like she was "just a friend" to me. The same way he acted like I was "just a friend" to her. To save face with my girlfriend, I took her home then went back to his apartment. He was getting ready to leave for work, or so he said. But he wouldn't let me back in the apartment. We had to talk outside. There were a lot of hurtful words exchanged and I issued an ultimatum, "it's either her or me!". That's when I found out SHE was his girlfriend and I was the OTHER woman.