I can't hide much longer if I want to be found

The bible says that "He that finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtain favor from the Lord" Proverbs 18:22 NKJV

So how come I haven't been "found" yet? There are many outward reasons (many of which have absolutely nothing to do with me) I could name but what I want to talk about are those inward reasons (those things I've noticed and recognize as hindrances) that keep showing up. They are things that stop me in my tracks at the mere thought of being in a committed relationship. They are things that I usually have to talk myself from the ledge about when faced with a new relationship. What are they? Questions!

What if he's really the one? I've had plenty of experience with men who were not the one for me. So the mere thought of a man actually being the right one for me is sometimes scary. Because of failed relationships, it's actually intimidating sometimes to put aside doubts that the man I'm interested in really wants to work at making a relationship with me work. 

What if the relationship doesn't work out? The thought of having a failed relationship is just that, a thought. No one expects for their relationship not to work, but sometimes they do. This not knowing if he'll be willing to stick around to work out any differences we may have often hinders me from trying to understand exactly why he wants to leave. 

Can this really be a reality for me? Recently, I saw a newlywed couple at church. They were all over each other. It was so sweet. If she wasn't touching him, then he was touching her. You could tell that there had been a shift in their relationship from the prior times I'd seen them. Before, they were careful not to touch or bring undue attention to themselves because they were not legally married. But this time, they didn't care who saw that they held hands or embraced. Something about their relationship had changed and they didn't care who knew. In my own life, I've pondered when would I experience that change in my relationship. To go from not knowing if this would last to being absolutely sure that I'd met the right person.

I've determined that I will no longer hide behind questions that keep me from moving forward in my relationships. I want and desire to be found, therefore, I'm positioning myself to be in a place where he can truly find me: with an open heart and open mind ready to receive him into my life. To be the woman on the outside that I truly know lives on the inside: a woman who is unforgettable, loving, passionate, captivating, creative and has a witty sense of humor.

Handle with Faith

There is nothing in life that's impossible for your Faith to handle. I guess the question to ask yourself then is "am I operating in Faith?"  For years now, I've heard my friends extol the virtues of my faith. How they are pleased that I don't or won't allow anything to keep me from achieving the goals I set for myself. Little do they know that by the time they see the grand gestures that I make, they're usually the result of much debate with God. Sure, I can just up and quick my job one day. Or just go to my then Pastor and tell him I was leaving the church. And what about going to my Mom and stating that I was moving out. All results of having been before God - and in some instances for years due to fear- and finally being able to step out in Faith.

When I was 28 years old, I still lived at home with my Mom. After college, I had to find a job that would enable me to take care of myself. During that process, I realized that I was twenty-eight and knew nothing about everyday living. I had no idea where to go pay bills; other than putting everything in the mail (way before online banking). Which also means I knew nothing about my community and how to navigate (way before GPS systems) from one point to another without getting lost. The day I told my Mom I was moving out, she promptly reminded me that I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I'd already run the idea past my sister who encouraged me to follow my heart.  A girlfriend and her husband were moving out of their apartment and she stated she would tell the leasing agent that I wanted to move in. So even though my Mom's words were meant to discourage me (she had issues of her own), I'd already been before God, seen things line up in my favor and was ready to walk by Faith.

Having been at my then church for 7 years, I could see the changes that were taking place that were not for the good of the people. Don't get me wrong, I know there is no perfect place. As my current Pastor states, "if it's perfect, then when you show up it won't be perfect any longer". We all have our own issues and if those issues aren't dealt with, they can cause much havoc on other peoples walk with God. It had gotten to the point where on Sunday's after church, I could barely get my keys in the door before I was crying out to God that what I had just experienced at church was NOT the way He meant for church to operate. By the time I'd gone to my then Pastor to let him know I was leaving, I'd already heard from God and knew that no matter what the Pastor said, I was leaving. He promptly informed me that we should fast and pray and meet on Wednesday night after bible study so he could respond to my statement. As I drove home, I told God that I'd already heard from Him and it was up to Him to inform the Pastor of what was spoken to me. That Wednesday night after bible study, the Pastor informed me that God did in fact confirm that He instructed me to leave.

I knew in January 2006 that I would be resigning from my job in August because I'd just gotten my acceptance letter to start school in the Fall. I'd been on my job for 12 years and it no longer fit me. I'd heard a teaching from my current Pastor that your life should be both rewarding and fulfilling. I knew for a fact that my job was not rewarding or fulfilling. My Mom had passed in May and by that November, I was researching my next career. Needless to say, I'd already been talking to God about a change in career at my ten year mark. One day sitting in my Hygienist chair, He spoke to me and let me know that I was able to work in Public Health: At my then job, I'd worked my way up to working with computer software. So by the time I turned in my resignation letter, no one knew my plans. But God had orchestrated the move so perfectly that I was able to take a complete year off without having to find employment so I could devote my time to my studies.

For anyone who has ever been in a marching band, I think most people are just marking time right where they are. Marking time means you are only marching in place without ever moving forward. I've learned to not allow others negative perception of their careers to influence me. I've encountered many people who work in Public Health who don't like working with people. And many people who work with computers who wish they could talk to and help people on a daily basis. It's time to exercise your Faith and position yourself to receive God's best in every area of your life.

What do you see?

Recently I read a quote on Twitter and it made me stop and think. The quote is: "All I see is the manifestation of my dreams!" (@motivationmama). Immediately, I got excited because I have Big dreams. I immediately began to share the quote with my friends and got pretty much the same reactions that I had. So, what do I see?

I see a woman who not only can relate to what some are going through but has also experienced it. I see a woman who refuses to bow down to anything and everything that comes against what she believes and desires in life. I see a woman who is not only ready but capable of walking out God's perfect plan for her life.

That being said, I see myself teaching others how to prosper according to God's word (Rhema), God's will (Logos) and God's plan (Purpose) for their lives. Walking in my authority as a believer in Christ Jesus. Living exuberantly blessed by God; in the land that He promised. Enjoying the Journey as I Possess the Land.

Life Timeline

This months theme for my art class was Life Timeline. When I first saw the flyer for the class, I thought to myself "exactly what can I put on my timeline that I haven't already obsessed over before? Will the things I include even be obtainable and am I even willing to try to obtain them now?" Needless to say, I wanted to cancel class for that night and just stay home and. . .mope.

To add to my resolve to stay home, there was a severe thunderstorm warning scheduled for that night. I'd already had a doctors appointment scheduled and it was in the same area. My plan was to stay downtown after my appointment then head to class. What do you know, not only did I get out of my appointment earlier than planned, I had almost a two hour wait before class started. Good enough reason to just go home and not come back out. And on top of that, my friend had already called earlier that morning wanting to meet and walk around the park. Ok, now this will be three times I've gone downtown today and its threatening really bad weather: so I went home.

I thought about contacting the instructor to let her know I would not make the class. But, it stopped raining. I waited to see if closer to time to leave if the rain started back; it didn't. When I got to class, I found out the timeline that we would make would consist of those highs and lows in our life that has gotten us to the point where we currently are. Funny thing is, I'd recently been thinking about those highs and lows in my life. This art project just allowed me to put visual images with the thoughts I was already having about my life. All in all, the art project for me was a success because I realized that each high and low has been a unique situation that has shaped me into the Me I am today.