Deliverance is available

I held on to the hatred in my heart that I had for Mr. Wonderful for YEARS. I couldn't think or talk about him without wanting to literally kill him. No one seemed to understand how I could despise him so after the "breakup". After all, I never told anyone how he treated me behind closed doors. I couldn't go into details on why we were no longer together. That would mean that I would have to explain how he tried to kill me that day. I think my Mom knew. She never said anything when she saw me after, but it was a "knowing quiet" from her; like she knew her reasons for disliking him were indeed true.

I know I changed after that relationship. I didn't trust anymore. I didn't want a man to touch me anymore. I became trapped by the fear that no matter who I was in a relationship with, he would sooner or later change and become this person that I would  come to despise. I became distant in relationships because I had to protect myself from any abuse -verbal, mental and physical. Therefore, I didn't hang around long in relationships. At the first sign of a disagreement, I was out. I wanted a lasting relationship but I no longer knew how to achieve one.

Then one day God stepped in and I've been forever changed. If it had not happened to me, I probably wouldn't believe it, but it did. For me, it wasn't a natural way to be delivered but I wasn't in a spiritual environment where I could have received sound spiritual counseling. A coworker told me about watching Dr. Mark Chironna on TBN the night before ministering on deliverance. TBN will usually air the broadcast the next afternoon. So I left work in enough time to get home to see the broadcast. 

To follow is an excerpt from my journal: "The Spirit of the Lord sat on me tonight. . . That's right, the Holy Spirit sat on me. Why? Because I was fighting God. You read right, I was fighting. That's the word the Lord used when He said "will you stop fighting me?" . . .I was watching Praise the Lord and Dr. Mark Chironna was praying for people. He said something to a lady about how God was speaking to her need for perfection because she feels like she has failed if something doesn't work out. . .That's the way I felt about me and my past relationships. . .Anyway, I fell back on the sofa and continued to watch the broadcast. Dr. Chironna was telling the lady that the things the enemy had been telling her were not the truth. I don't remember when I started to try and get up, all I remember was that I couldn't. . .it felt like someone lay across my legs. I started crying and saying "I can't move". Then that's when God asked "will you stop fighting me?" I said "yes" over and over again. He still didn't get up. I kept crying then finally I threw my hands up in the air and cried some more. After a while, my hands crossed over my chest and He got up". I don't fight Him anymore. 

They called him Mr. Wonderful

A friend I went to High School with introduced me to a guy she knew. From the first, everything appeared as if we were a match made in heaven. He did all the things that would make a woman swoon: bought roses, took carriage rides, talked about me constantly to others (and they would tell me too). From the outside looking in, he was Mr. Wonderful. The only person that didn't really care for him was my Mom.

After we became sexually active, his propensity towards porn (watching and acting it out) became the dominant factor in the relationship. I hated it. There was something on the inside of me that knew that this was wrong. But who could I talk to about how I felt? Others thought he was so good to me. Over time, his actions toward me felt more like he thought he was entitled to me and what I had: my car, my money and my body. One night after we'd gone to a wedding reception, we went back to his apartment and he wanted sex and I didn't. I told him so. The next thing I knew, he ripped off my pantyhose and panties and forced himself on me. Who do I tell about what happened? I mean, he's my boyfriend and we are already having sex. Who's going to believe that he had to force me? So I told no one.

I didn't leave him, I didn't know how. How do you leave Mr. Wonderful? He had already started to make me feel that no one else would want me. So I stayed as busy as I could so that we wouldn't have to spend much time together. My best friend was getting married in another state and he agreed to go with me and split the cost of the trip. By this time, he'd moved back in with his Grandparents in their basement. I stopped by one afternoon to get his half of the money and I waited for 45 minutes on the porch for him to come out of the house. Finally his Grandfather said for me to go in because he must have forgotten I was there. When I got to his room, he was laying in bed talking on the phone with another woman. I went to his bedside and hung up the phone. The next thing I knew, he had his hands around my throat strangling me. I struggled as I tried to hit at him as well as get away. I couldn't breathe and he didn't seem to care.

When I opened my eyes, I was sprawled out in the floor and the first things I saw were the legs of the table and chair in the kitchen area. How did I get here? How long was I out? Where is he? Then I heard running water. He was in the bathroom taking a shower getting ready for work. Is this all he thought of my life? Did he even know if I was alive or dead? Did he even care? I knew I had to get out of the house. I don't remember how I got to my car but once I was seated inside, I started to shake all over. I couldn't drive because I didn't know if I would stop shaking long enough to get home safely. After a while, I heard a noise. I looked up and I saw him walking down the street. He was headed to his Aunt's house because she had started taking him to work. I started my car, put my foot on the gas and aimed my car right at him. I chased him until he ran toward this big tree and started to climb. I don't know how I stopped my car in time before I went head on with the tree because all I could see was me pinning him with my car to that tree. I wanted him DEAD! 

Rejection!

Nobody wants to be rejected, but to be rejected by someone you thought was as committed in the relationship as you are is quite hurtful. Not only did I choose this guy, I thought he chose me too. At one time (even so much as recently) I thought that no matter what, I would always want him; even if it meant I'd be outside of God's will for my life. But after writing last weeks post, I realized that I no longer truly feel that way.

Sure, he rejected me, but given the opportunity to straighten things out, I would have given him another chance. I was just that much into him. Last week as I wrote, I could actually see the red flags that I wouldn't have hesitated to point out to another friend who may have experienced the same situation. I have since learned that people have issues that are totally unrelated to you. That in their attempt to keep themselves from being hurt, you may end up being the one to get hurt. You just have to know when to move on and go on with your life.

I've experienced more rejection in my life through the years, however, I won't let it keep me down long. Being rooted and grounded in God's word helps you to realize that no matter who leaves your life, God is always there for you. To follow is part of a confession of Truths from God's word that I confess daily:"I am deeply loved by God. I am completely forgiven and fully pleasing to God. I am totally accepted by God. I am a NEW creation."

The One I wanted

I set my sights on him and I went after him. I got him! Oh man, this must be love. I knew exactly what to do this time. Spend as much time with him as I wanted. Believe me, I wanted a lot of his time. He worked nights so we spent a lot of time together during the day. We'd go to the park, out to eat and rent videos (he fell asleep the one time we went to the movie theater) to watch before he went to work. I gave him every part of me that he asked for. I told him about my desire to have a baby and he promised that "one day" that would become a reality.

I loved every moment spent with him. We talked, laughed and generally enjoyed each other's company. He would get off work at 2 am in the morning and come pick me up. We'd go to his apartment and sleep. Then just before dawn would be our time to "relate" to one another. So you can imagine my surprise when he came to see me one afternoon to tell me about a dream he had that included me and a baby. Seems that we'd gotten carried away and forgot to use protection during one of our early morning intimate times together. I can still remember how elated he was when I told him that I'd gotten my period the day before. His happy mood crushed me.

Then one night, my girlfriend and I went by his apartment to surprise him before he went to work. Another woman was there. He acted like she was "just a friend" to me. The same way he acted like I was "just a friend" to her. To save face with my girlfriend, I took her home then went back to his apartment. He was getting ready to leave for work, or so he said. But he wouldn't let me back in the apartment. We had to talk outside. There were a lot of hurtful words exchanged and I issued an ultimatum, "it's either her or me!". That's when I found out SHE was his girlfriend and I was the OTHER woman.

What I know

S.E.L.F.  E.S.T.E.E.M.
Seeking eternal life's fulfillment  Endeavor so that everything encourages me.

At the time when I was in the relationship with my friends cousin, I didn't know that I had self esteem issues. I just thought that I wasn't good enough to make the relationship work. I had no idea that the way I thought about myself hindered me from being able to give him what he needed. I didn't think I was pretty enough and I sure wasn't small enough. I thought when people saw us together they wondered what was he doing with me. I didn't want him to be embarrassed to be with me because if I thought those things, surely he thought them too.

As I write, I noticed how many times I said "I". It seems that I was more focused on myself and couldn't see past the limitations I'd already set for myself. Limitations of doubt, fear and low self worth. I doubted whether he really wanted me just for me. Why would he when I could name so many things that I would change about me? I even feared that he would change and decide that he no longer thought I was "the one". And there was no way I was going to believe that I was truly worthy of the love he was giving me, after all, I wasn't giving love back to him.

One of the first things God dealt with me about when I completely gave Him Lordship over my life was to deal with my lack of self esteem. I got into the word in order to get a clear picture of what I should look like. I started confessing my SELF ESTEEM acronym (from above) over my life as well as confessions about who I am in Christ. I still make my confessions daily because there are times when things around me say I'm still "that girl". Now that I know who I am and what I have to offer, I can Possess the Land.

I once was blind.

During my Sophomore year of College, a friend I'd met Freshman year was so in love that she wanted me to meet her boyfriend's cousin. The three of them came by my dorm and before the night was over, the cousin was madly in love with me. He wanted to be with me and didn't care who knew it. As far as he was concerned, he'd met his love match for the rest of his life. He was a sensitive young man who liked to express his love to and for me. It was overwhelming to say the least. How could he know? Why me? Is this real? I had so many unanswered questions but I knew that I had to at least give it a try. My friend just knew that he and I would make the perfect couple.

At first, the attention was new and exciting. I had nothing to compare it to nor was there anything in me that naturally knew how to return what he was freely giving to me. He bought flowers, hugged and kissed me a lot, sent get well cards to my sister (she had breast cancer), washed my car, tried to teach me how to drive his car (a stick shift). He invited me to an out of town wedding where I met his sister and brother in law. He introduced me to his parents. He wanted to be my "first". After my meltdown where I'd locked myself in the bathroom, he talked to me through the door. Then after getting me to come out, he held me through the night. He just wanted to be with me! And at whatever pace I was willing to set. He just wanted me to love him and didn't ask me to change anything about myself: Just give him what I could.

I wanted so much to be able to give him what he needed; my love. I felt so inadequate because I just couldn't seem to do "it" right. How could I give him what I didn't even have for myself? In my mind, the best way to show him was to let him go so that he could find someone capable of giving him the kind of love he deserved. So I had the "it's not you, it's me" speech with him and severed our relationship. At the time, I thought it was the best thing for the both of us. Over the years, I've battled the "what if" question many times. I lost contact with my friend after graduation. But a few years ago, she and I made contact again and I learned that he was happy and married with children. When I learned what real love was through God's word, I asked God to prepare me for the one who I can express all my love to and in a way that pleases Him.

What I learned. . .

Over the years, I thought that the 15 year old boy/man was a source of disappointment to me. Disappointment is when others come short of what you thought they should have done or achieved. I reasoned that if he would just open up and tell me how he really felt then all would be right in my world. The fact that he didn't and wouldn't open up to me should have alerted me to the fact that he did not want a relationship with me. As I look back, I realize that I often wanted the man that he became to be the 15 year old boy who sought me out all those years ago. No matter how patiently I waited, it never happened. Every time he would enter then leave my life, I felt disappointed because he wouldn't commit to me.

When in actuality, waiting on him was my cause of discouragement for decades. Discouragement is when you come short of what you thought you would have done or achieved. I reasoned that since I didn't do anything for him to choose me in the beginning, then all I had to do was be available to him whenever he came into my life. Surely one day he would remember what drew him to me in the first place and want that for his life again. As I grew in the word of God, I realized that his treatment of me was not conducive to a healthy relationship. I had to do something different in order to get different results.

When God alerted me to my part in the failing relationship, that was my turning point where I knew I couldn't go on the way I was. I had to make some changes. I started making confessions about who I was in Christ, what I have in life and what I wanted out of a relationship. Sure, I shouldn't have labored for the relationship for twenty-five years, but when you want who you want (especially when your heart is in it) you stay there as long as it takes.

Excerpt from my journal: "You have to talk to the thoughts that try to pull you back. Don't be afraid and tell the truth. Because if you truly want God's best, that's what you will speak. Point in case, thoughts telling me that I want what I "used" to want. In all honesty, I told the thoughts what I "truly" want. A man of my own, doing what my man should be doing. . .in every area of my life. Don't think you will only have to talk once and everything will be fine. That's not exactly how it works. The only reason I'm writing now is because of the thoughts. All day long so far. And you know what? I'm really excited about what's in store for me with my man". Possess the Land!